June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. ReginaRey Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. Really? , silver_dragon_girl Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. GatorGirl June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. Its weird. You arent happy and yet you stay. Its a balance. artsielady. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. bittergaymark That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. when it comes up we just talk about it. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. Thats on you. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Its time for him to grow up. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. I like to relax at home. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. What about visiting your parents? maybe im misunderstanding you. Communication people. WebGo to counseling with your husband. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. Some peoples parents are just like that. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. Im in the same situation as well. ), and just talk about the big issues in general money, social life, work, goals, values, etc. Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. You do like to see people you love, right? So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. If not, you need to sort this out. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. ?? My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Problem While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. Have a bbq with friends. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. And there are always occasions forfamily gatherings. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth I give up. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. True enough, Flake. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. Red_Lady When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. By the time This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. All rights reserved. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. They arent her parents. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. So much fun and its free! WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. Laura Hope As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. I agree with you both. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. I agree that some things should be discussed in more detail,for example, who pays what bill. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Are you far away from your own family? He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. I am actually not promoting anything. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. Yeah, but every weekend? Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. Oh yeah I forgot about that. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. I know how he feels about adoption because he shared his feelings on it during a discussion I started simply saying someday Id love to adopt and really hope it will happen. Just over coffee, no contracts or anything. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. I live a minute from my mom and 3 from his. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. I would plan some things. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Is it because the LWs own lease was up? 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